Thanksgiving...

The painting in my bedroom that I love... One of the little girls we have thinks that it's a painting of her because it's what her granny's house looked like.

My Bathroom

My Living Room

My Bedroom/Bathroom

My Bedroom

Here I am, another month passed, and no idea where it's gone!!! Yesterday, we had a breakfast for all of our house parents trying to convey what Americans were doing for Thanksgiving on the same day on the other side of the globe... I tried to articulate what I was most thankful for this year in general terms, knowing that if I got too specific, I'd be crying into a microphone!

So, in the slightly safer realm of a blog (where you can't tell whether I'm crying or not!) I'll name just a few of the ways in which I am probably more aware of how thankful I am this year than I have ever been...

* Sabana - though having this baby come into my life and then leave just 5 months later was heartbreaking, he showed me a vision of God that I had never seen before, and can't imagine having learned any other way. I wouldn't trade a moment that I spent with him, and am so thankful that God shared His child with me.

* South Africa - God so clearly led me to South Africa this year. I have not been homesick for a single moment (I've missed people I love, but never have wished to be anywhere else). I am so confident of the fact that this is where God has for me to be now, and am so thankful for that clarity and trust.

* Friendships & Family - those that I've shared life with for years, and those that are new or have grown since coming to Africa. God has made it so evident that He has placed specific people in my life with such specific purpose.

* Miracles - maybe I just never noticed them before, but I really have seen absolute miracles in the lives of the children of South Africa. So often, there is no justifiable reason that they should have survived, and yet they have not only survived, but thrived. One example over the past month was a 12 year old girl who arrived. Our team noticed that from her shoulders to her hips, her tourso was basically shaped like a barrel. She was taken to a G.I. specialist who discovered (no idea HOW ON EARTH no one had done anything before) that she actually was born with no anus. So 12 YEARS of waste had been building inside of this little girl, to the point that her intestines had been pushed up against her heart and lungs. She went into emergency surgery where it took the doctors 3 HOURS to clear out her abdomen and resize her colon (which had become the size of a small trash can). There is no explanation, aside from God, for how she could have survived this long. Beth and I took turns sleeping at the hospital with her for the days following her operation, and she is now so proud to show off her flat tummy! It had been at the point where she wasn't even able to sit up or walk properly, and now, for the first time she's been to the movies (to see "High School Musical 3") and is able to really play with all of the other kids! She has a colostomy while her colon and intestines heal, and then will have another operation in 6 months to have a proper opening made. Like I said... I am thankful for miracles! (One night in the hospital with her, she told me about what it was like for her when her mom passed away 2 years ago... her mom had been sick for a long time, and as a 10 year old, she went to buy milk and came home to find her mom... the detail with which she recounts the story is heeartbreaking. Closing her mom's eyes for her, calling an ambulence to come take her body, trying to lift her by herself... and then telling her 6 year old sister and suddenly becoming the adult in the family...)

So... to put it mildly, I am blessed and I am thankful.

I also wanted to put up a few pictures of my cottage so that you guys have an idea of where I come home to every night :o) It still needs some details (like the photos I need to frame and hang above the couch) but it's getting there :o)

The Best of Intentions

(Photo: waterfalls at the botanical gardens - reminds me of where we used to hike in Utah!)





Once again, I know it's been WAY too long since I've posted an update on life in South Africa. Over the past weeks I've thought to myself over and over, that's something I should write about... And yet never have quite found (or made) the time to actually put it on the blog. From meeting a Zulu prince to attending this really cool outdoor jazz concert in beautiful botanical gardens, to hosting two sets of guests in South Africa, to opening and taking on the management of another home (bringing my region up to 6 homes)... it's been a pretty full 6 weeks since my last post. Oh, and I joined a gym on Friday night (which, for those of you who know me well should be a good indication of what the stress level has been because I have even liked it so far!)


In the midst of so much craziness, God has surrounded me with some pretty amazing people, which has been a saving grace in the past couple of weeks. So good to have those people with whom you can just relax and chat and do nothing...and have it be wonderful! After a particularly trying week earlier this month, Beth and I spent the day at a South African Spa... it was amazing to say the least. That is something I may have to budget for once every few months, though by the end of the day it was kinda like, "If one more person rubs my back...!" So for the price of what would get you a one hour massage in the States... we had a day of no cell phones or Blackberries, and it was perfect!


Last week my pastor's wife and daughter from the States came for a visit. It was such a gift to have friends from home! We made the rounds of Safari, Soweto, and introductions to our miracle kids. The photo on the right is one that I took at Regina Mundi Catholic Church in Soweto. Is is my favorite place to visit, so peaceful and so full of God. It was the stage for a number of the events that eventually lead to the end of apartheid in South Africa. Parents and students alike used to gather in this church to listen to speakers like Desmond Tutu during the 1970's and early 80's. On June 16th, 1976, when the first Soweto uprising happened, the police stormed the church and started shooting inside - resulting in the deaths of many children. The ceiling still contains bullet holes and the alter is cracked from the butt of a police rifle. I loved that the banners this week read "Be Not Afraid"...


This weekend, Beth and I have turned our monthly "America Night" party (have I mentioned those? Not sure...) into an American-style Halloween Party with pumpkin carving and "fall" foods - corn bread, my stew etc. :o) So, even though it is summer here, we're going to pretend it's harvest time!


This weekend I think I may also finally muster up the courage to visit Sabana's grave. His family chose to bury him in a rural cemetery, and from what I hear it's a beautiful spot with his name carved into a simple cross. I think it may break me, but I also think it's probably about time. Angie (formerly our Operational Director, now a friend!) and I were talking last week about how it is hard to find space to mourn so much of what we see in working with our kids in a country that holds so much. There is always another child and another need, so it is very easy to avoid processing the losses if we choose to.



On a far different note, the nerd in me is a little sad that I won't be in the States for election day. It's just not the same to fill in a piece of paper and send it through a fax machine! I've been sleeping in my Obama shirts as a sign of support from a world away! haha



Okay... off to get ready for bed now. Morning will arrive all too quickly!

Spring Has Arrived!

I just realized that I blew it by not posting again the day after my last one, like I said I would. Sorry about that. :)

It is now spring in South Africa and the colors and fragrances are just amazing. I think that this is the first time that I've been here in September and it's just beautiful! The only thing hindering this photo of the incredible purple flowers down the street are the spiked gate and electric fence! :o)

Last Friday we had Sabana's memorial service (I hope it's okay that I include his name now that he is no longer with us???) and it was so wonderful to hear so many people share their thoughts and memories of him. I didn't say anything because I knew I wouldn't be able to get a single word out without doing the "ugly cry". Angie, our director, got up and read Psalm 121 because she knew that it was what I had read each night that he was in ICU and I pretty much lost it. Seven of our older girls (ages 8-12) had asked if they could miss school and come to the service and so I brought them with me. I felt like it would be such a significant experience for them, since they are getting to the stage of asking a lot of questions about the losses that they've experienced themselves. The first time that they had seen me since I had been back, one of them looked at me and the first words out of her mouth were "Are you sad?". I asked what she meant, and she said, matter of factly, "Sabana died. Are you sad?". Then came the barrage of questions from them all about whether I had cried when I found out, and how it was possible that he could die if he had still been hooked up to the machines. They are so curious about death, not having clear memories of the deaths of their moms, but having heard it talked about. They are so carefully observing what grief looks like, not having had a real outlet, or period of acceptance, for their own grief.

During Sabana's service, when I had started to cry, the 10 year old sitting next to me, whose mom had died of AIDS when she was less than 2 years old, saw me crying and just watched my face. Then she nudged the girl sitting next to her to point out that I was crying. After the memorial, another one of our 10 year olds, whose mom died when she was 3, walked over to me and said, "Mommy Kelli, were you crying?". I said "Yes, did you see me?" and she got a tiny smile and said "Yes." That was exactly the reason that I had felt it would be so good to bring them. I want them to see that grief and tears are okay, and that death doesn't mean that God doesn't still do miracles. They had asked why Sabana died if we had been praying, and we had a long chat about the fact that God had a reason for Sabana to be here, and maybe that reason was finished. We talked about Hebrews 13:2, and how God sometimes sends angels to teach us about who He is and give us more trust and more faith...

In other areas of life, all that I can say is that I am blessed. God has provided such a wonderful group of friends for me here... We had another one of our "America Night" parties at Beth's house this weekend. We actually cooked Mexican food though. :o) Through the course of the night, there were probably 20 people who came and went, and it all just reminded me of what phenomenal people I am surrounded by - all so different, but all so amazing!

Back In South Africa

I arrived back in South Africa yesterday. It has been so good to see the kids - I missed them!!! It felt like the perfect amount of time to be in the States... there were a couple of people that I had wanted to see and wasn't able to, but since I will be back for a week at Christmas, I will make sure to see them then! It feels like my next visit will be here before I know it.

I got to meet friend's new babies and hear about another friend's engagement while I was home... I feel so thankful to still be able to celebrate the big events of life with people I love so much.

The last 5 days of my visit I was up in Alaska visiting my college roommate, and dear friend, Jean and her two little munchkins! Her daughter Bethie is 20 months old and new baby Cate is just 7 weeks (or was when I was there!) They are absolute dolls, so full of life and energy! Here are a few photos since our friend Sarah had me promise that she could see them! The top one is of Bethie in the Minnie Mouse dress that has practically become her daily uniform (much to Jean's displeasure because of the lime green... but it's hard to argue when she's just so darn cute!). The second photo is of Little Miss Cate. Watching Bethie be a big sister was so fun. Most is just mimicking in the cutest way. Every time Catie cries, Bethie runs over, tries to hug her, and says "I know Baby Cate. I know."

I'm so sorry this is so short, I am running off to have a chat with some of our older girls. I will explain more tomorrow!

Love to all!

The Kingdom of Heaven Belongs to Such As These...

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hold them back, for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.'"

Matthew 19:14

As I type this, "my" angel baby is getting to be held, his favorite thing, for the first time in 4 weeks... and held by Jesus. He passed away today and for the first time in his life is able to be a whole and healed little boy, no longer having to fight, but breathing deeply the air of Heaven. To say that my heart is breaking feels like an understatement, and yet I have been asking God to take him for weeks in the midst of his suffering. I have shed so many tears today, most because of how much I will miss him, but at the same time, tears of joy that he isn't bound by his broken body any longer.

July 29th was really the night where he and I said goodbye to each other. It was the last time I saw him open his eyes, and it was the night that he shed his two tears as I shed mine. I feel like God so clearly told me then that he was not meant to be ours for much longer, and that he was getting ready to go. My one regret is that I didn't get to be with him on the day he died. It was the first time in the 8 weeks of being hospitalized that I hadn't been able to see him, because when he passed away I was on a plane crossing the Atlantic for my first visit back to the States. I arrived in California today. In truth, I didn't want to come back right now with him in the hospital. When I last visited him on Wednesday, as I was leaving the ICU, I turned back for one last look, knowing somehow that I wouldn't see him again.

In the nearly 6 months that we had him, everyone fell absolutely in love. He gave us a bigger view of God and because of his life, I trust God beyond any measure that I ever have before... He is already so missed...

Waiting to See What God Will Do...

This is a photo of our sweet miracle baby that I took this morning. My heart is just breaking for him that this is what it has come to for him. Amazingly enough, he is actually doing okay, relatively speaking. His heart has stayed perfect ever since his surgery, his trachea is now perfect as well, and his lungs are improving every day. The problem we face now is that he has a raging infection in his body that is not responding to any of the medications that the doctors are throwing at it. Thankfully he remains sedated (for over 3 weeks now) so hopefully he is not feeling any of what is going on around him.

Yesterday I actually thought I was going to need to sign the forms giving consent for him to be removed from life support. He had crashed on Monday, but then was doing okay until Wednesday. On Wednesday his phenomenal pediatrician, who has been my encourager through all of this (always saying "It's not time to worry yet, I'll let you know if we get to that point), was the one to say that she thought the writing was on the wall that we were going to lose him. I had actually come to a place of peace with that outcome even before I heard it from her. There had been one night last week where he had kept his eyes open, watching me, for the whole half hour of visiting that I was allowed to have. It was the first time he had kept his eyes open and he just watched as I talked to him, sang to him, and prayed with him. As I prayed, asking God to free him from this pain whether it was through healing or going to Heaven, I looked at his face and there were two tears running down his cheeks. Of course that brought many more than two tears from me as I hadn't seen him cry throughout any of this.... Back to my story, so when the doctor said she thought we would lose him, I felt that I had made my peace with that a week earlier during my time with him since I just could not stand to see him suffer anymore.
On Thursday, the doctor phoned me saying he'd had a terrible night and an awful day and she thought that it was time to do one final assessment and then let him go. She asked if I could come Friday morning (yesterday) to be there to sign the consent form since we would likely end up taking him off of life support.
So I arrived yesterday morning and she examined him with another specialist and they found that his vital signs had improved overnight to the point where he was actually doing very well aside from the infection, and they didn't want to give up on him yet. I actually got in the car and cried after finding that out because I had really becoming settled with the fact that he would finally get to be whole and healed with Jesus and now felt like we were going to continue putting him through this horror.
The thing is, he's still fighting. Though he's not awake, every time he hears our voices, and anytime we touch or kiss him, he squirms and wiggles. So... now we pray for this wretched infection to leave so that he can continue on the road to recovery. His doctor has put a "do not resuscitate" order in place, and has promised me that we will not put in any more drainage tubes (like the ones you can see leading to the bag on his stomach to try and relieve his distended abdomen) or do any more invasive procedures. So if he crashes again like he did last Monday, he will get to be with God. I am praying that there will be resolution one way or the other before I leave for the US next Friday since I can't imagine leaving him like this. I've been with him every day for nearly 7 weeks now and I am going to have such a hard time if he passes away and I am not here. So please just pray for quick healing for my baby boy! :o)
Okay... gotta go, but wanted to put up an update!
See ya'll soon!

Every day is so different!

Hi all!

So, after the craziness of last week, I have so enjoyed this week... It has held sad things, and frustrating things, but over all of that have been the really great things. The overarching feeling for this week has been thankfulness for the people I am surrounded by here. God really has put together such an amazing community for me over here! Beth arrived on Tuesday (one of the friends I worked with in our office in the States - she's here to stay too! YAY!) and has just added to the amazing people I get to work with every day. They bring so much laughter as we tell stories about the kids and make fun of each other mercilessly... definitely the BEST way to relieve stress!! I love that so many of the people I work with are not afraid to be ridiculously funny. :o) This week has held so many great conversations with friends over lunches, dinners, and car rides that I am just feeling so blessed.
The hardest aspect of the week has been that the second attempt to take the baby off of the ventilator failed as well. After being told some wrong information by a nurse I was afraid we were just dragging out the inevitable fact of loosing him and walked into his doctor's office with tears streaming down my face feeling like we were just torturing this little boy. Thankfully, she assured me that the nurse was wrong and that there is no physiological reason for why he shouldn't be breathing on his own. Of course, this is still concerning, but it is good to know that all of the operations have been successful and that he now has a perfect airway that (once he realizes he can't depend on a machine) should work well! Tomorrow they will put in a "peg" where we will have to inject his food directly into his stomach for the next 6 months. The misinformation that the nurse had given me was saying that he would never be able to eat again, which, being his FAVORITE thing, made me feel like we were taking away everything that brought him the most joy. The truth is that the doctors don't WANT him to swallow for about 6 months because they are afraid that he will choke while the airway is healing. Six months is definitely better than FOREVER! So, please pray that when they make a third attempt at getting him to breathe on his own next week that it works!!!
Funny kid story of the week: One of our four year old little girls was too sick when she was two to actually go through the "terrible twos" and has always just been a little angel. Now that she is healthy however, she seems to be making up for lost time!!! Ever since her 4th birthday in July, she has been quite a handful. This week, she found a pair of scissors in the backpack of one of her big sisters and really went to town on cutting her own hair. Mind you, this is the third time in a month, but DEFINITELY caused the most damage! As a result of our little hair stylist's creativity, her whole head had to be shaved! It was the funniest thing I have ever seen to see her walking around bald telling people "I cut my hair!" with her little speech impediment (HIV has caused near-continuous ear infections that have destroyed her eardrums. Now that she is healthier, she will be having eardrum grafts this month and getting hearing aids, but as a result of 4 years of not being able to hear, she can be a little hard to understand at times!)
So... that's all for now and I am going to head off to bed!