The goodbyes have begun. I leave for South Africa one week from today and have, up until now, just been trying to get everything done here - moving out of my apartment, training my job replacement, getting visas approved and laptops ordered. But now most of that is done and all that's left to do is begin to say goodbye, my least favorite thing. I have allowed myself to live in a somewhat strong dose of denial for the past few weeks, being able to say that I wasn't leaving until "next month". Now "next month" has come, seemingly out of nowhere. SCPC's high school group had a send off of sorts for me on Wednesday night left me realizing that, no matter how excited I am to be going to SA, I will be leaving a pretty incredible community of people behind. I have been trying to turn that sadness into a feeling of overwheming blessing - each person that I have to say goodbye to, each one of my small group girls whose tears broke my heart, is a person who I am blessed to have in my life. I tried a similar method (with varying degrees of success) to ward off the frustration I was feeling at the overwhelming amount of STUFF I had to pack up by considering each and every object in my apartment as proof of God's grace in my life to provide for all of my needs.
I am writing this morning to try and become more present in the fact that I am leaving the people I love in this place. Until now I've allowed myself to remain somewhat detatched from the emotions associated with going to South Africa, probably largely out of self-preservation. But, beginning today, as I pray with friends and family at a goodbye breakfast and then meet up for lunch with Sarah (who I won't see again before I leave) I want to enter into more of the loss that is coming this week. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited to be going to live in South Africa surrounded by children who have my heart in a country that I love. But I also want to make sure that in the midst of that excitement, the value of the community of people I have in my life here is not minimized.
I have been telling myself, "It will be just like when you were living in Seattle except that you'll be home to visit even more often (every 6 months)." But I have started to remember too how isolating it felt to come home from Seattle sometimes. I remember it being as though I was trying to hold onto two selves. There was the person that everyone in San Clemente knew me as, and still expected me to be when I came home And then there was the person I was becoming in Seattle, shaped by people and experiences there that I found so hard to articulate in such a way as to help others understand when I came home. The two worlds that I will be holding now will be even more in contrast against one another and I really need to be praying more for how I will learn to be at peace in both.
Okay, well, that turned into more than I was expecting... and now I better sign off before I make myself late for this goodbye breakfast! :o)
I am writing this morning to try and become more present in the fact that I am leaving the people I love in this place. Until now I've allowed myself to remain somewhat detatched from the emotions associated with going to South Africa, probably largely out of self-preservation. But, beginning today, as I pray with friends and family at a goodbye breakfast and then meet up for lunch with Sarah (who I won't see again before I leave) I want to enter into more of the loss that is coming this week. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond excited to be going to live in South Africa surrounded by children who have my heart in a country that I love. But I also want to make sure that in the midst of that excitement, the value of the community of people I have in my life here is not minimized.
I have been telling myself, "It will be just like when you were living in Seattle except that you'll be home to visit even more often (every 6 months)." But I have started to remember too how isolating it felt to come home from Seattle sometimes. I remember it being as though I was trying to hold onto two selves. There was the person that everyone in San Clemente knew me as, and still expected me to be when I came home And then there was the person I was becoming in Seattle, shaped by people and experiences there that I found so hard to articulate in such a way as to help others understand when I came home. The two worlds that I will be holding now will be even more in contrast against one another and I really need to be praying more for how I will learn to be at peace in both.
Okay, well, that turned into more than I was expecting... and now I better sign off before I make myself late for this goodbye breakfast! :o)
1 comment:
"time flies, when you're having fun...." you are being prayed for, darling!
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